Monday haiku

I'm guessing Adam 
was just the first to enjoy 
a great New Year's Eve

Weekend haiku

Chips Ahoy cookies' 
name would make sense if they were 
sprinkled in sea salt 

-------------------------------------------- 

She really likes her 
Pinocchio vibrator 
in her Geppetto

Friday haiku

Since everyone I 
know will die someday, I choose 
eighty years from now

Thursday haiku

Naked to the world, 
I find my poor banana 
is less a peeling

Wednesday haiku

December Twenty- 
Sixth is the first day you can 
be naughty again

Tuesday haiku

Santa bought a new 
home in Antarctica, so 
now he's bi-polar

Monday haiku

Santa knows if you're 
on the naughty list, you got 
your presents early

Weekend haiku

Jill collects guano 
ceramics, as she misheard 
the phrase "Art Giclee" 

------------------------------- 

The white styrofoam 
container is the modern 
single man's dishes

Friday haiku

Kaitlin knows whiskey 
cures everything, except for 
alcoholism

Thursday haiku

Some people say I'm 
more of the strong, silent type, 
but I'm not that strong

Wednesday haiku

A flock of geese honk 
overhead, though unneeded, 
I'm not in their lane

Tuesday haiku

Again, Jelly wins 
the condiment contest, but 
Jam is still seeded

Monday haiku

He can't fathom a 
future in which he can not 
look into her eyes

Weekend haiku

Jesus was a laid 
back guy, rarely angry, in 
fact, only cross once 

-------------------------- 

When Lassie finds the 
cantaloupes, she discovers 
she's melancholy

Friday haiku

The Cheeto-in-chief 
is getting crushed by Mueller 
and soon will be dust

Thursday haiku

Jesus would only 
order water, let it turn 
to wine on his lips

Wednesday haiku

Red Bull may give you 
wings, but all it gives me is 
an upset stomach

Tuesday haiku

I.R.S. returned 
my taxes, said that I need 
it more than they do

Monday haiku

I don't understand 
how Trump can chastise fake news 
while broadcasting it

Weekend haiku

Bill wears loafers, and 
based on how much time he sits, 
that seems about right 

------------------------------------- 

Why did you ask my 
opinion when it's quite clear 
you didn't want it?

Friday haiku

There's smoke in the air, 
a fire somewhere, I swear 
it might be my hair

Thursday haiku

Julie calls all her 
co-workers barn animals, 
and she's the farmer

Wednesday haiku

I do prefer smoked 
oysters, but they don't fit in 
the rolling papers

Tuesday haiku

Odessa's mom is 
retiring, so her new 
job is Odessa

Monday haiku

For Bill, Julie's a 
little bit of sunshine who 
goes down every night

Weekend haiku

While moving his home, 
the big wreck caused many dents 
in his residence 

---------------------------------------- 

She may now live in 
a small town, but still keeps her 
big city inside

Friday haiku

The new product to 
keep all my teeth in place is 
called Resi-Dental

Thursday haiku

Churches and massage 
parlors: in both you pray for 
a happy ending

Wednesday haiku

We're so short-staffed here 
today, I'm not doing the 
job of six people

Tuesday haiku

Never anger those 
who helped put the skeletons 
into your closet

Monday haiku

I have driven in 
all of the states, including 
intoxication

Weekend haiku

If her eyes are the 
true windows to her soul, then 
they are multi-paned 

----------------------------------- 

If her eyes are the 
windows to her soul, it looks 
like the glass is cracked

Friday haiku

On Thanksgiving, Phil 
Collins likes white meat, but he 
prefers the drumsticks

Thanksgiving haiku

Under Trump, we can 
have turkey, but only the 
rich get the gravy

Wednesday haiku

If her eyes are the 
windows to her soul, then they've 
been dead-bolted shut

Tuesday haiku

Her eyes might not be 
the windows to her soul, but 
I see her kidneys

Monday haiku

Summer rains are for 
all those gardeners really 
bad at watering

Weekend haiku

Tracey may be an 
old flame, but that fire burned 
out ages ago 

----------------------------------- 

Because of my lack 
of sleep, poems line up like 
jets ready to land

Friday haiku

Nicole's so upbeat,
she can find silver linings
around the smoke clouds

Thursday haiku

With the bags under 
my eyes, I could pack for a 
few months overseas

Wednesday haiku

The bridesmaid dresses 
were orange sherbet chiffon 
melting in the sun

Tuesday haiku

If it's a thin line 
between love and hate, then Jill 
traced it in lipstick

Monday haiku

It's strange how you fall 
asleep in America, 
then at dawn, Europe

Weekend haiku

She said I have an 
eye for photography, which 
sure beats a kidney 

----------------------------------- 

They told Julie to 
shoot for the stars, but soon found 
out she's got bad aim

Friday haiku

She apologized 
for disturbing me, but I'm 
already disturbed

Thursday haiku

Why do they sing, "Take 
Me Out To the Ballgame" when 
you're already there?

Wednesday haiku

While Garin believes 
Tarragon's overrated, 
I say the Bay Leaf

Tuesday haiku

Jill's always making 
photo albums of her days. 
She's a scrappy gal!

Monday haiku

Bill believes having 
teen boys is less like herding 
cats than herding sloths

Weekend haiku

A butterfly is 
just a caterpillar with 
better fashion sense 

-------------------------- 

If North Korea 
nukes the U.S., their leader 
will be number Un

Friday haiku

The classroom was dark
when he arrived, when he left,
no enlightenment

Thursday haiku

Migraines while camping 
leave you unable to move, 
and are so intense

Wednesday haiku

She struts on by in 
a flag bikini, so I 
salute, just because

Tuesday haiku

There are stories and 
sightings of Bigfoot, but not 
his cousin, Bighand

Monday haiku

Bill sees "Bring your child 
to work day" as a chance to  
pawn off stale candy

Weekend haiku

Bill sees "Bring your child 
to work day" as a nice chance 
for some free labor 

-------------------------------- 

Bill sees "Bring your child 
to work day" as a chance to 
catch a new disease

Friday haiku

Bill sees "Bring your child 
to work day" like a modern 
version of "Scared Straight"

Thursday haiku

The California 
Umbrella Company is 
known for their sun shades

Wednesday haiku

Quasimodo placed 
a bet, not sure it would win, 
but he had a hunch

Tuesday haiku

In karate class, 
Ray's afraid, so his belt is 
forever yellow

Monday haiku

Ray wears a t-shirt, 
but since it is August, it's 
also a sweatshirt

Weekend haiku

When the snakes curl up 
on Medusa's head, it looks 
like she's got a perm 

-------------------------------- 

Whether it be weight 
loss or backpacking, Julie 
thinks every ounce counts

Friday haiku

After a breakup, 
Jill's feelings always tend to 
change from soft to hard

Thursday haiku

She wore a black "Las 
Vegas" t-shirt, as if to 
tell you, "Place your bets!"

Wednesday haiku

We are all marching 
outside with pride, which sure beats 
inside with deep shame

Tuesday haiku

A sunny Monday 
after rainy weekends is 
a waste of blue sky

Monday haiku

A sunny Monday 
after a rainy weekend 
makes God laugh so hard

Weekend haiku

Delivering pee 
to the vet for more tests, it's 
luckily not mine 

------------------------------- 

Enemies of the 
library: moisture, bugs and 
most Republicans

Friday haiku

Thank the deity 
of your preference, the last 
work day has arrived

Thursday haiku

In making homemade 
jam, I realize it's just 
fruit-flavored sugar

Wednesday haiku

The dairy fairy 
delivers milk to those kids 
who are tolerant

Tuesday haiku

Jill thinks she's a force 
of nature, but then acts like 
a force of hature

Monday haiku

Nicole would be more 
humble, but humility 
clashes with awesome

Weekend haiku

Nicole would be more 
humble, but then why deny 
being wonderful 

----------------------------------- 

Nicole would be more 
humble, but then she'd be great 
at humility

Friday haiku

Nicole would be more 
humble, but then, if she did, 
she would be perfect

Thursday haiku

Most firefighters 
don't seem to enjoy foods with 
a smoky flavor

Wednesday haiku

Nicole would be more 
humble if she wasn't so 
damn great to start with

Tuesday haiku

My arguments with 
most Flat Earthers always tend   
to go round and round

Monday haiku

Authenticity 
is being who you are, or 
faking it real well

Weekend haiku

Humility is 
something you show to make the 
lesser folks feel good 

------------------------------------- 

Another haiku? 
Your attention span must be 
incredibly short

Friday haiku

On his cellphone, in 
the rain, he waited with great 
precipitation

Thursday haiku

There are so many 
folks sick in my office, I'm 
disinfecting me

Wednesday haiku

If you want to learn 
how to masturbate, you need 
some hands-on training

Tuesday haiku

When work begins to 
get Andy down, he knows it's 
time for more coffee

Monday haiku

The leftovers tried 
to take over the world, but 
Curses! Foiled again!

Weekend haiku

I am so tired 
of being tired, I'm now 
tired of that too 

--------------------------- 

When I have to be 
the mature one in the room, 
you're in big trouble

Friday haiku

Bill needs a whiskey, 
would be happy with a beer, 
but orders iced tea

Thursday haiku

He knew he was bored 
when he realized that he 
was watching hockey

Wednesday haiku

She asks if I want 
sugar in my tea, I smile 
back, all caps and crowns

Tuesday haiku

The turkey peered through 
their window, feathers unfurled, 
a true peeping Tom

Monday haiku

If we're pushing for 
equality, don't focus 
on our differences

Weekend haiku

Sally is always 
smiling, like she's a ray of 
eternal sunshine 

------------------------------ 

Time marches on, so 
just stay out of the middle 
of the parade route

Friday haiku

She complains there's no 
one here to take her money. 
That's why I come here.

Thursday haiku

This restaurant is 
full of pathetic, single 
men. Wait. I'm here. Damn!

Wednesday haiku

The trees know, but due 
to our arrogant ways, they 
will not be talking

Tuesday haiku

Watched "The Time Machine",
now I'm hoping I'm able
to get that time back

Monday haiku

When I run, I tend 
to look like an extra from 
"Chariots of Fire"

Weekend haiku

Lunch walks with a friend 
are even more special when 
you can find treasures 

----------------------------- 

Dark spots, blemishing, 
aging, it must be rough to 
be a banana

Friday haiku

Procrastinating 
to go back in, the sun lures 
me to be tardy

Thursday haiku

The handsaw she found 
couldn't commit murder, but 
would help with clean-up

Wednesday haiku

The "knife" Jill found in 
the woods was a handsaw; she's 
not a gardener

Tuesday haiku

Cathy is not the 
sharpest tool in the shed, and 
slightly rusty too

Monday haiku

The intervention 
for Zeus, all his friends told him, 
"Say no to Kracken!"

Weekend haiku

Almost every yard, 
every garden, she wants to 
stop and help them weed 

----------------------------- 

His contract ending 
on sea monsters, Zeus told us, 
"Re-lease the Kracken!"

Friday haiku

The general was 
court-martialed  so quickly for 
touching his privates

Thursday haiku

The difference between 
properly rewarded and 
spoiled rotten is slight

Wednesday haiku

One island said to 
the other island, "Why are 
you such an atoll?"

Tuesday haiku

I promise I won't 
get drunk anymore, but not 
any less either

Monday haiku

Bill is so mean, his 
inner child stole all the toys 
from my inner child

Weekend haiku

When younger, I was 
told I had to share my toys, 
now older, I don't 

---------------------------- 

I tried to find the 
moving sale, but it wasn't 
where it was before

Friday haiku

Sally seeks out the 
summery sunshine, despite 
the fact it's just Spring

Thursday haiku

Strawberry blossoms 
peer up, advertising all 
the fruit yet to come

Wednesday haiku

The women's church group 
talk God, drink iced coffee, and 
eat devil's food cake

Tuesday haiku

As I write dirty 
haiku, the women behind 
me talk about God

Monday haiku

After the cue ball 
attack last year, Bill wears a 
helmet playing pool

Weekend haiku

Up at the castle, 
the princess was dreaming of 
a knight of pleasure 

---------------------------------- 

You should be tired 
after a vacation, you 
can sleep while at work

Friday haiku

I find it's always 
the wrong one using the phrase, 
"It's not you, it's me"

Thursday haiku

"It's not you, it's me,"   
is said as secret code for  
"This is all your fault!"

Wednesday haiku

"It's not you, it's me," 
is said when they really want 
to tell you, "It's you!"

Tuesday haiku

Jill was shaking her 
head so vehemently, I 
could hear the rattle

Monday haiku

After the fire at 
his desk, we knew how Bill had 
filed his paperwork

Weekend haiku

Gerald's so ancient, 
so old-fashioned, he owns a 
rotary cellphone 

---------------------------------- 

With the invasions 
and conquering, the name of 
Caesar was fitting

Friday haiku

He calls his truck, "The 
Overcompensator" since 
it is obvious

Thursday haiku

Rico, despite his 
name, with his full lack of skills 
won't ever get rich

Wednesday haiku

I'm jealous of plants, 
my wife's outside, says she will 
massage the root balls

Tuesday haiku

Charlotte Rae, Mrs. 
Garrett, gone at ninety two, 
one more fact of life

Monday haiku

Seattle, my wet 
home in the northwestern moist 
part of the country

Weekend haiku

My Community 
Emergency Response Test 
was a disaster 

------------------------------ 

Jill has attitude 
for days, but sometimes will use 
it all up in one

Friday haiku

Prawn yakisoba, 
side order of gyoza, 
Take-out Friday night

Thursday haiku

Being a fan of 
records, I'll buy them, and then 
take them for a spin

Wednesday haiku

Dogwood tree in full 
bloom, I notice that it's bark 
is worse than it's white

Tuesday haiku

If Malcolm had been 
a government employee, 
he'd have been Fed-X

Monday haiku

Bill may have a small 
car, but he calls his co-pilot 
dog his Land Rover

Weekend haiku

The threats to cripple
our government are linked to
homegrown Trumporists

---------------------------------

Jed's a cross between
Papa Smurf, the Seven Dwarf's Doc,
and Peter Pan's Smee

Friday haiku

Humans may not have  

obvious panels, but we're   

all solar-powered

Thursday haiku

Gerald buys a new 
calendar each year, just so 
he's guaranteed dates

Wednesday haiku

As you study the 
painting, you find the image
is studying you

Tuesday haiku

The more times you go 
outside, the more the outside 
will be inside you

Monday haiku

My temporary 
tattoo read, "I'm an artist",
but then it faded

Weekend haiku

Not understanding 
how nachos are made, Billy 
had brought chocolate chips 

--------------------------------- 

In Portugal, this 
vegetarian fell for 
the black pork sandwich

Friday haiku

Most politicians 
believe they're elected to 
do what's right (for them)

Thursday haiku

For a good liar, 
they believe that everything 
they say is the truth

Wednesday haiku

Old may be all in 
my mind, but my arthritis 
sure begs to differ

Tuesday haiku

Old is a sliding 
scale, always ten years or more 
than you are right now

Monday haiku

As they sewed pant legs 
and laughed, Sally yelled, "There's no 
time to hem and ha!"

Weekend haiku

The stinky pirate 
was just one of the worst high 
school mascots ever 

------------------------------------ 

The crows sang a song 
without any music, it 
was cawcapella

Friday haiku

Cherry blossoms in 
bloom, still cold and wet, doesn't 
really feel like Spring

Thursday haiku

In the shadows, there 
are creatures watching you, just 
waiting for a chance

Wednesday haiku

The devil claps once, 
the flames come on, the devil 
claps twice, they're off

Tuesday haiku

Rain drips off the palm 
trees, reminding us it's not 
always paradise

Monday haiku

The sun shining on 
my face, God's Spotlight, I feel 
guilty just because

Weekend haiku

The pasta smells so 
good, even my elbow growls 
appreciation 

----------------------------------- 

Trump doesn't have a 
dog, as keeping it in a 
kennel would be cruel

Friday haiku

Children's artwork just 
reminds me I need a new 
refrigerator

Thursday haiku

Angry Jewish kid 
tried to slam his fist against 
the bar, but mitzvahed

Wednesday haiku

I'm patriotic 
for my country, but not for 
the man leading it

Tuesday haiku

Scarlett Johanson 
is getting divorced. So wait, 
I still have a chance??

Monday haiku

Consistently, he 
finds everything in his life 
is inconsistent

Weekend haiku

Billy roared like a 
tiger, but everyone knew 
he was a lion 

----------------------------- 

Drive by shooting near 
my work, too bad I left my 
flak jacket at home

Friday haiku

His first Bar Mitzvah, 
Michael was saddened to find 
no beer or pull tabs

Thursday haiku

If a haircut is 
twenty dollars, how much is 
it to cut them all?

Wednesday haiku

At the poetry 
brothel, he likes to see the 
girls make the ode face

Tuesday haiku

At the poetry 
brothel, ladies prefer the  
length of his meter

Monday haiku

At the poetry 
brothel, it's metaphor, not 
what the bed is for

Weekend haiku

Staring at her phone, 
she looks mad, wait until she 
sees her computer 

--------------------------------- 

Stuck in traffic, cars 
all around, Bill wished he was 
driving an Escape

Friday haiku

Not only are her 
roots showing, they're a billboard 
to her true colors

Thursday haiku

Before Trump's wall is 
even built, he has many 
of us climbing it

Wednesday haiku

Jimi Hendrix may 
be gone, but he lives, on tons 
of tye-dyed t-shirts

Tuesday haiku

The stitch in time so 
sloppily sewn, we now can't 
see eight fifty nine

Monday haiku

Snow of Fall blossoms 
pink blanket will soon be white 
I make an angel

Weekend haiku

Josephine took the 
elevator to meet her 
friends, and go climb stairs 

-------------------------------- 

Her breath could curdle 
the milk still inside a cow 
thirty miles away

Friday haiku

Kevin was so used 
to acronyms, he spelled out 
the word P-R-O

Thursday haiku

Nobody's perfect, 
but with extra effort, you 
likely won't get close

Wednesday haiku

In the pursuit of 
perfection, he finds he just 
gets further away

Tuesday haiku

Valentine's dinner 
by yourself means you get more 
chocolate fondue

Monday haiku

Valentine's dinner 
by yourself gets you nothing 
but pity glances

Weekend haiku

There's so much darkness 
lurking within her, she finds 
it likes to escape 

----------------------------------- 

There's so much darkness 
lurking within, she finds her 
heart needs a flashlight

Friday haiku

She decides not to 
write haiku, afraid to let 
all her darkness out

Thursday haiku

Muffled wings, flapping 
madly, he finds the scared bird 
is all in his head

Wednesday haiku

With ADHD, 
I don't just lose the train of 
thought, I miss the tracks

Tuesday haiku

The word ninja knows 
very little self defense, but 
he does know hai-ku

Monday haiku

Wendy has rodents 
living in her attic, which 
makes her cry out, "Rats!"

Weekend haiku

Where does his mind go, 
capturing insanity 
and bringing it here? 

------------------------------ 

Could the woodpecker 
be friends with the hummingbirds,
I must ask would he?

Friday haiku

For Valentine's Day, 
I get so darn excited 
I get a heart on

Thursday haiku

Why bad drummers can't 
get into the rhythm of 
this life sure beats me

Wednesday haiku

Daytona drivers 
don't believe in dieting, 
as they tend to fast

Tuesday haiku

For biker nerds, their 
infatuation tends to 
leave them too tired

Monday haiku

For hiker nerds, their 
infatuation tends to
trail off quite often

Weekend haiku

For surfer nerds, their 
infatuation tends to 
always come in waves 

----------------------------- 

For climber nerds, their 
infatuation tends to 
be a bit rocky

Friday haiku

For weather nerds, their 
infatuation, while strong, 
isn't always clear

Thursday haiku

James Taylor's Fire 
and Rain Tour goes from L.A. 
up through Seattle

Wednesday haiku

He laughs like Cesar
Romero's Joker, but he
looks like the Penguin

Tuesday haiku

The company that 
manufactures those K-cups 
should be called Knotto

Monday haiku

K-cups are not found 
in heaven, they are strictly 
a hellish item

Weekend haiku

Three weeks after her 
stroke, she just says yes and no; 
for now, that's enough 

-------------------------------------- 

The spicy captain 
peppered the young princess with 
his salty language

Friday haiku

Unnerved, deflated, 
I have found my self-esteem 
has run out of steam

Thursday haiku

I'm a poindexter, 
nerd, dweeb, dork, but then again, 
the best of us are

Wednesday haiku

Eighteen syllable 
words are very hard to say, 
or use in haiku 

Tuesday haiku

Vending machines are 
for those who don't care about 
expiration dates

Monday haiku

Ambulance drivers 
go so fast because there's no 
need for second aid

Weekend haiku

If you're so busy, 
why is there so much time to 
complain you're busy? 

--------------------------------- 

"There's always next year," 
is the last resort for the 
truly desperate

Friday haiku

She said, "There's a full 
blown squirrel in my house!"  Are 
there deflated ones?

Thursday haiku

In the water, pants 
unzipped, Bill misunderstood 
what flyfishing was

Wednesday haiku

Julie's computer 
missives are so brutal, it 
feels like you're e-mauled

Tuesday haiku

Stormy Daniels must 
be smug, knowing it's now time 
for Trump to go down

Monday haiku

Once the pervert saw 
undulating terrain, he 
was disappointed

Weekend haiku

For many, divorce 
is just God's way of saying 
you have too much stuff 

------------------------------- 

Some say to dance as 
if nobody's watching, but 
trust me, we're watching

Friday haiku

If Deb Redundant 
marries George Redundant, then 
changing her name is...

Thursday haiku

Don't just seize the day, 
seize every day, except 
Fridays, those are mine!

Wednesday haiku

Don't just seize the day, 
tickle it, subdue it, make 
it use it's safe word

Tuesday haiku

Stopping your shower 
before you're rinsed off would be 
a rash decision

Monday haiku

Florida airport 
shooting: so is this why they 
are called terminals?

Weekend haiku

She smiles for someone 
else, laughs for him, grins for him, 
but she cries for me 

------------------------------------ 

Natalie's child is 
spoiled, and not in a good way 
like a persimmon

Friday haiku

She said she could see 
sadness in my eyes, so now 
I wear sunglasses

Thursday haiku

Her kids behaved like 
the ones from Willy Wonka,
who got shrunk or juiced

Wednesday haiku

His inner poet 
writes too much, causing carpal 
tunnel of the brain

Tuesday haiku

I have written three 
poems and five haiku since 
noon. Oh, make that six.

Monday haiku

My brain is firing 
on all cylinders, with some 
infrequent misfires

Weekend haiku

He writes poetry 
so fast, the ink is still wet 
on his second book 

------------------------------ 

His book sent early, 
Bill suffers from premature 
mass publication

Friday haiku

Some of his writing 
is so cheesy, he could make 
poetry nachos

Thursday haiku

The electrical 
room's next to the ladies room, 
don't get them mixed up

Wednesday haiku

Greg is not squinting 
from the glare, but because he 
doesn't like people

Tuesday haiku

They say I'm well, the 
voices in my head, and I 
almost believe them

Monday haiku

If no matter how 
hard you push, doors stay closed, then 
consider pulling

Weekend haiku

The killer poet 
likes groups of grumpy people, 
or a mass of curs 

---------------------------------- 

The killer poet 
doesn't show emotion, he'd 
rather bury it

Friday haiku

The killer poet 
won't get rattled, known for his 
posture and poison

Thursday haiku

The killer poet 
only goes to the store when 
they slash their prices

Wednesday haiku

The killer poet 
likes free verse, but will take a 
stab at anything

Tuesday haiku

The chubby poet 
found that he was on a roll, 
both writing and wheat

Monday haiku

Very overweight, 
the poet was both inspired 
and perspiring

Weekend haiku

When they make love on 
Easter Sunday, she is so 
glad he has risen 

----------------------------- 

When they make love on 
Easter Sunday, it feels right 
to shout, "Oh My God!"

Friday haiku

FDR's fireside 
chats to Trump's tweets, like Hamlet 
is to graffiti

Thursday haiku

We met halfway to 
celebrate Christmas, to keep 
things on neutral ground

Wednesday haiku

We celebrated 
Christmas early, as there's no 
time like the presents

Tuesday haiku

A friend just explained 
a new word, "plethora". It 
meant a lot to me

Monday haiku

You don't have to be 
the best, just make everyone 
believe you're the best

Weekend haiku

In Wyoming, if 
you can't aim a gun, they send 
you to Wisconsin 

---------------------------------- 

In Wyoming, if 
you can't aim a gun, then you're 
a politician

Friday haiku

So mad I wouldn't 
take her broken cat, her claws 
are still out, and sharp

Thursday haiku

Her aim is so bad, 
she went to shop at Target, 
ended up at Sears

Wednesday haiku

If blueberries are 
brain food, with all the pie I've 
eaten, I'm brilliant!

Tuesday haiku

Bill's resolution 
was to stop smoking, so he 
now just cures the meat

Monday haiku

Bill's resolution 
was to lose extra weight, so 
he got a divorce

Weekend haiku

My resolution 
is to stop drinking beer, so 
I stop each morning 

My resolution 
was to not work so hard, which 
is tough doing porn

Friday haiku

My resolution 
this year was to lose five pounds, 
just ten left to go!

Thursday haiku

His farewell tour should 
be called, "Kenny Rogers and 
the Last Edition"

Wednesday haiku

President Trump is 
ultracrepidarian. 
That's all. Just sayin'

Tuesday haiku

Bill's an engineer, 
and an avid beer fan, so 
he's always drafting

Monday haiku

When Harrison Ford 
made love to Carrie Fisher,
she says Han shot first

Weekend haiku

I'd try to find a 
different job, but I don't have 
any other skills 

------------------------------ 

When Harrison Ford 
wasn't with Carrie Fisher, 
he was Han Solo

Friday haiku

I thought all flowers 
were my friends, but soon found some 
were anemones

Thursday haiku

My eyes are at half 
mast because my energy 
level is flagging

Wednesday haiku

My eyes are at half 
mast, as a few more brain cells 
have died tragically

Tuesday haiku

We added a light 
neat the outhouse, so you can 
see where you're going

Monday haiku

The vegan girl was 
no longer afraid, as she 
couldn't be chicken

Weekend haiku

HA! Star Wars fan site 
says Warwick Davis has a 
small role in new film 

------------------------------ 

The vegan girl stayed 
home alone, as she couldn't 
leave to meet her friends

Friday haiku

Carrie Fisher slept 
with Harrison Ford; well, she 
was Princess Leia

Thursday haiku

Everyone deserves
music, except for Donald,
he deserves nothing

Wednesday haiku

With Ms. Hicks leaving, 
this presidency is now
completely hopeless

Tuesday haiku

The since sequence mixed 
I asked of my all up for 
eggs order's scrambled

Monday haiku

Stupidity can 
stay well hidden, until a 
person speaks or votes

Weekend haiku

The lizard wasn't 
excited, suffering a 
reptile dysfunction 

-------------------------- 

Thank the deity 
of your choice, it is the last 
day of the work week

Friday haiku

Kicked out of the room, 
our meeting not complete, we 
take over the hall

Thursday haiku

After Bill was cloned, 
his crime spree began, as he 
had an alibi

Wednesday haiku

After Bill was cloned, 
at least one of him didn't 
have to do laundry

Tuesday haiku

I hear rumors my 
wife's sleeping with an author. 
Luckily, it's me!

Monday haiku

Worried his blood loss 
might be in vain, Bill chose to 
nick an artery

Weekend haiku

Nike has merged with 
Pepsi-Cola. Their slogan 
is now "Just Dew it!" 

--------------------------- 

A true vision test 
should be small print menus in 
dimly lit restaurants

Friday haiku

Gorton's fish sticks has 
merged with Reebok's to make 
fresh filet of sole

Thursday haiku

Trump and Clinton have 
now merged, so the world only 
has to hate one thing

Wednesday haiku

Trump launches hundreds  

of Preparation H bombs  

in shithole countries

Tuesday haiku

Preparation H 
and Winchell's have merged to make 
new "Doughnut A-holes"

Monday haiku

Let's celebrate, it's 
President's Day! Mueller says, 
"Not so fast, Donald!"

Weekend haiku

Instead of voting 
for our favorite, we vote 
for least offensive 

-------------------------- 

Flagged for hugging a 
ref, what's the penalty for 
what most fans would do?

Friday haiku

Sometimes, news leaves you 
happy, sad, torn, or all three. 
Today, I'm in shreds

Thursday haiku

She said I was too 
immature, and I replied, 
"Guess what! Monkey butt!!"

Wednesday haiku

Valentine's Day is 
either a day of love, or 
severe depression

Tuesday haiku

Johnny is the man 
of your dreams, but only if 
you're having nightmares

Monday haiku

As John entered the 
restroom, Bill left, like two shits 
passing in the night

Weekend haiku

I'd cook more with wine, 
but after three glasses, I 
start to get dizzy 

------------------------------

Valentine's Day is  

just around the corner, do   

you have a heart on?

Friday haiku

Too many cooks spoils 
the broth, but you can use as 
much wine as you like

Thursday haiku

If at first you don't 
succeed, you probably should 
not go skydiving

Wednesday haiku

If at first you don't 
succeed, you may not want the 
job diffusing bombs

Tuesday haiku

Winning a headlamp
at the Wellness Fair makes me 
a bit lightheaded

Monday haiku

He made her cry, not 
because he wanted to, but 
because it's his job

Weekend haiku

This wind is both cold 
and invigorating, just 
like a hot ex-wife 

-------------------------- 

Feathers everywhere, 
Bill had, by chance, thrown a huge 
superb owl party

Friday haiku

Five people murdered 
in mall shooting, and the big sale 
hadn't started yet

Thursday haiku

Horses are a lot 
like children, though you can't put 
saddles on the kids

Wednesday haiku

Email service down, 
coworkers actually 
talking face to face

Tuesday haiku

Snow on the branches, 
thick ice down the driveway, the 
pipes have burst again

Monday haiku

Her dancing shoes don't 
dance anymore, dust surrounds 
them like memories

Weekend haiku

She had compared me 
to Buddha, since I'm chubby, 
but he was a god 

------------------------------- 

She always called me 
"her god", but later I find 
out she's dyslexic

Friday haiku

Sebaceous Cysts: bad 
to have on you, but good as 
a punk rock band name

Thursday haiku

The Ford Focus was 
racing down the highway so 
fast, it was a blur

Wednesday haiku

The two dreamboats launched 
their dream boats into the sea. 
Their wish?  Their dream? Boats!

Tuesday haiku

She put a spoiler 
on the back of her car, and 
it really spoiled it

Monday haiku

The weather woman's 
tight, tight dress is forecasting 
major distractions

Weekend haiku

Miniscule menace, 
frantic, unpredictable, 
they buzz, swarm and sting 

---------------------------- 

Bruce had written off 
Summer, without starting to 
write in Fall's entrance

Friday haiku

Frank Zappa enjoys 
Heaven's winters, but still won't 
eat the yellow snow

Thursday haiku

Billy bought a new 
watchband, as he wanted to 
make time for music

Wednesday haiku

Hearing about the 
bee attacks, Jill wondered if 
"A" was violent too

Tuesday haiku

Hearing about the 
bee attacks, Jill steered clear of 
the whole alphabet

Monday haiku

Attacked by bees, Jill 
was now regretting wearing 
her floral perfume

Weekend haiku

If Samson's hair is 
a metaphor, is my ex 
wife a simile? 

------------------------ 

The Mitsubishi 
Mirage, weaving this way and 
that, drifts out of view

Friday haiku

"Samson's hair's just a 
metaphor," I repeat, as 
she starts the razor

Thursday haiku

Samson's hair was just 
a metaphor, though I've met 
girl's holding scissors

Wednesday haiku

Amblisexual 
means Jill will do anything 
that ambles along

Tuesday haiku

They keep our office 
so cold, my desk is now one 
big ice cubicle

Monday haiku

Report shows that not
having kids leads to longer 
lives, and more money

Weekend haiku

Come on down to the 
beet farm, where we're having a 
huge tuber one sale 

---------------------------------------- 

She analyzes 
what others are wearing, tries 
not to pass judgement

Friday haiku

Movie trailers should 
entice, not expose, more one 
piece, less bikini

Thursday haiku

They always think I'm 
deep in thought, but there's no more 
water in the pool

Wednesday haiku

They always think I'm 
deep in thought, but I'm splashing 
in the shallow end

Tuesday haiku

Their Christmas feast a 
cold pizza, decorated 
in bright red and green

Monday haiku

Hooray! It's a brand 
new year! Too bad it's still the 
same old president