Thursday, December 31, 2015

Thursday haiku

If I close my eyes,
I can relax, but my wife
says, "No, you're driving"

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Wednesday haiku

If I close my eyes,
it's almost as if Bill's not
here. Man, he hates that.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Tuesday haiku

If I close my eyes,
I can almost escape the
fact that you're not here

Monday, December 28, 2015

Monday haiku

If you choose to lie
to me, please don't use the tongue
you stuck in my mouth

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Weekend haiku

Winter Solstice kicks
Christmas' butt, more daylight's
better than presents 

---------------------------------

Always preferring
the isle seat, Billy bought a
chair in Bermuda

Friday, December 25, 2015

Friday haiku

May all your Christmas
presents be worth almost as
much as your presence

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Thursday haiku

So, I know about
Christmas Eve, but I don't know
when's Christmas Adam

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Jill's demeanor is
so uninviting, her smile's
an unwelcome mat

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Tuesday haiku

The clothing tags that
state, "One size fits all" do not
apply to Kevin

Monday, December 21, 2015

Monday haiku

They say, Tomorrow's
a new day", but they're starting
to feel recycled

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Weekend haiku

Personalities
like Jill's make birth control pills
unnecessary 

----------------------------- 

Marble mounds set in
ground, carved with words, rejoicing
the clouds free above

Friday, December 18, 2015

Friday haiku

Bobby found that he's
just flexible enough to
be hard on himself

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Thursday haiku

Scientists claim we're
all part Neanderthal.  Bill's
way above average

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Scientists claim we're
all part Neanderthal, so
they've met my cousins

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Bill looks a bit like
a feral bulldog, and has
the same attitude

Monday, December 14, 2015

Monday haiku

The glasses have been
in that spot for a week now,
not my prescription

Friday, December 11, 2015

Weekend haiku

Her looks are severe,
like a tornado, but her
laugh's a gentle breeze

--------------------------- 

Having your Mom clean
your cheek with a spit wet thumb's
less fine at forty

Friday haiku

Judy aims to please.
I just wish, sometimes, she'd be
pointed towards me

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Thursday haiku

In her eyes, I'm a
much better man than the one
I see in mirrors

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Sure, the grass may be
greener, but the fence is so
high, and electric

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Tuesday haiku

She looks at me with
disdain, aghast I would dare
stand there in her sight

Monday, December 7, 2015

Monday haiku

Totally smitten,
she hoped T.J.'s initials
stood for "To Judy"

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Weekend haiku

His cubicle felt
more and more like a cold, drab
emotionless hug 

--------------------------------- 

Suddenly sunny,
even the birds and squirrels
were blinking their eyes

Friday, December 4, 2015

Friday haiku

Wil's girlfriend found she's
gluten intolerant, and
can't ingest Wheaton

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Thursday haiku

Seeking savory
snacks, Bill was hoping to make
his umami proud

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Adolph Hitler put
the dic in dictatorship
and in Eva Braun

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Dictatorships tend
to be best for the guy who
gets to be the dic

Monday, November 30, 2015

Monday haiku

Democracy is
for those who like freedom, and
those who want a choice

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Weekend haiku

So much ahead of
me, and the sun at my back,
I should roll over 

-------------------------- 

Bill bought some pants for
fifty percent off, but they
only halfway fit

Friday, November 27, 2015

Friday haiku

For REI's Opt
Outside campaign, I told my
girlfriend, "Take a hike!"

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Thanksgiving haiku

A Fox News Special:
Obama pardons Turkey!
Russia furious!

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Wednesday haiku

She closed her eyes, turned
her face upward, trying to
be a solar sponge

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Refugees might be
trouble, but Republicans
definitely are

Monday, November 23, 2015

Monday haiku

I now know that all
my references are for
a much older crowd

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Weekend haiku

Seeing Charlie Sheen's
definition of winning,
I'm okay losing

---------------------- 

Ben Carson believes
pyramids were for grain or
alien condos

Friday, November 20, 2015

Friday haiku

The only regret
I have so far in life is
family genetics

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Thursday haiku

All of us need a
little help, but some folks are
beyond prescription

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Wednesday haiku

My heart is the clear
plastic pitcher attached to
your blender of love

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Tuesday haiku

If eyes are windows
to a person's soul, their mouth
must be the front door

Monday, November 16, 2015

Monday haiku

Like apple juice straight
from the fridge, Shena always
gives me the shivers

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Weekend haiku

Trump's deportation
force surprisingly starts with
Rosie O'Donnell 

----------------------------- 

No matter what the
terrorists try to do, we'll
always have Paris

Friday, November 13, 2015

Friday haiku

Trump's deportation
force already working by
taking Ben Carson

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Thursday haiku

Shena's hot as a
stove, sweet as a peach, can I
be your pie filling?

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Jill looks like a drag
queen with no clothing budget
or sense of fashion

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Tuesday haiku

I found two snowflakes
that were exactly alike,
but they both melted

Monday, November 9, 2015

Monday haiku

I don't feel old. When
I feel something, I try to
make sure she's younger

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Weekend haiku

If we're going to
remain happy, one of us
must leave.  I choose you. 

----------------------------- 

The dyslexic thought
making sweet ninety-six love
was over-rated

Friday, November 6, 2015

Friday haiku

He had an eye patch,
but grumbled when I asked if
he'd say, "Aye, Matey!"

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Thursday haiku

For sale: Wedding dress,
never worn, still has tags, size
4, no longer fits

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Wednesday haiku

With koalas near,
Brendan writes his homework on
eucalyptus leaves

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Tuesday haiku

I believe champion
is defined as a very
successful onion

Monday, November 2, 2015

Monday haiku

The likelihood of
going to Hell increases
with each passing day

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Halloween weekend haiku

We tell our children,
don't take candy from strangers,
then Halloween comes 

------------------------------ 

There are monsters all
around, it's Halloween or
election season 

----------------------------- 

The scariest part
of Halloween is you might
run out of candy

Friday, October 30, 2015

Friday haiku

Dad's not mentally
ill, he believes what people
tell him, which is worse

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Thursday haiku

While some say insane,
testicular cancer is
most likely just nuts

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Wednesday's haiku

Impotence is just
life's way of telling you, "Hey,
there's no hard feelings."

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Momma G's back from
maternity, leaving one
child for all of us

Monday, October 26, 2015

Monday haiku

A quarter of a
century ago, Shena
said, "I do." Hooray!

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Weekend haiku

There's so much chronic
grown here, there's a new meaning
to urban living 

------------------------------ 

"All sound and fury,
signifying nothing," sure
describes my ex-wife

Friday, October 23, 2015

Friday haiku

If poisoning your
child is wrong. Sherry's cooking
must be criminal

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Thursday haiku

Bourbon in hand, he
was pushing the limits of
his liquid diet

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Dad may not have a
clue, Sis may have a notion,
but Mom always knows

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Though inches apart,
their terse texts allowed them to
argue in silence

Monday, October 19, 2015

Monday haiku

We roast Twinkies each
winter to bring more snow, and
so we don't eat them

Weekend haiku

She knew the gossip
would be extra juicy when
Joan leaned in real close 

----------------------------- 

Gossip is hearsay
mixed with just enough facts to
make it plausible

Friday, October 16, 2015

Friday haiku

Strippers and Christmas
cards are the saviors of the
glitter industry

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Thursday haiku

Though on a diet
for six months without cheesecake,
each bite's worth the weight

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Wednesday haiku

A guy I know looks
like Colonel Sanders, but he
never brings chicken

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Tuesday haiku

With two power strips,
Jill now has outlets for her
creativity

Monday, October 12, 2015

Monday haiku

Anyone who steals
sunglasses from cars is a
little bit shady

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Weekend haiku

I think the question
really should be, "Does this butt
make my pants look big?" 

--------------------------- 

In life, what doesn't
kill you obviously just
isn't worth trying

Friday, October 9, 2015

Friday haiku

Joan says that it's a
bitter wind, but to me it
tastes like butterscotch

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Thursday haiku

His new mustache may
not attract women, but it
really attracts crumbs

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Jill's exclamation
when she found a hole in her
new sock was, "Darn it!"

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Tuesday haiku

The bully wanted
his pound of flesh, but it costs
eighty bucks an ounce

Monday, October 5, 2015

Monday haiku

I think she's using
sign language, but instead she's
applying lotion

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Weekend haiku

Darren had pierced his
scrotum with a safety pin.
He's now quite eunuch 

------------------------------- 

Like the flu vaccine,
Bill can be helpful, but he's
best in small doses

Friday, October 2, 2015

Friday haiku

Conservatives say,
"Guns don't kill people." Please tell
that to UCC

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Thursday haiku

It's announced Mars has
water. Californians
ask, "Can we have it?"

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Edward Bosch and John
Bartlett preferred to always
pair up on projects

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Could Himalayan
doctors remedies also
be known as high heals?

Monday, September 28, 2015

Monday haiku

Jill likes his full beard,
hates when he shaves, the stubble
irritates her thighs

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Weekend haiku

I've got Manhattan
on my mind, probably since
the drink's in my hand 

------------------------------ 

Now clean shaven, my
upper lip seems to be scared,
confused by the light

Friday, September 25, 2015

Friday haiku

Tom Brady always
misunderstood Tattoo's cry
as, "Deflate! Deflate!"

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Thursday haiku

To help Brady out,
Kraft wrote a blank Bellichick,
and called it Goodell

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Wednesday haiku

I'm really nervous
joining Tom Brady in this
hot air balloon ride

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Tuesday haiku

If inflation hits
the country again, Brady's
got a guy for that

Monday, September 21, 2015

Monday haiku

If I were Gisele
Bundchen's voluptuous breasts,
I would be worried

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Weekend haiku

Terrible choice to
pick Tom Brady to make the
balloon animals 

-------------------------------- 

Tom for president
in 2016; Brady
can fix inflation

Friday, September 18, 2015

Friday haiku

Judge decides it's less
the softness of Tom's balls, more
how they were handled

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Thursday haiku

Tom Brady found out
he couldn't play golf, as his
balls weren't hard enough

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Tom Brady doesn't
play defense, because he can't
keep the pressure on

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Tom Brady found a
way to lower the pressure
before the big game

Monday, September 14, 2015

Monday haiku

Since she's been dating
Tom Brady, Gisele Bundchen's
lost about a pound

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Weekend haiku

After reading Tom
Brady's new biography,
I felt deflated 

---------------------------- 

If Tom had been Greg
Brady, then Marsha's pretty
nose would have been safe

Friday, September 11, 2015

Friday haiku

Patriots versus
Steelers, I decide to root
for the referees

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Thursday haiku

Need to get away,
I sit down, open a book,
smile, and disappear

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Wednesday haiku

I've traveled many
worlds, loved many girls, fought wars,
all from reading books

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Tuesday haiku

A book isn't mere
pages, but a portal for
us to escape through

Monday, September 7, 2015

Monday haiku

The two gifts Randy
gave women were crabs, and a
bad reputation

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Weekend haiku

She couldn't stop when
she saw her friends, so she gave
them a drive-by wave 

--------------------------------- 

Roy adopted a
puppy from the pound because
tiger food's not cheap

Friday, September 4, 2015

Friday haiku

Her costume was a
Saguaro cactus, making
it real hard to type

Thursday haiku

Her costume was a
Saguaro cactus, so she
acted real prickly

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Wednesday haiku

He had a thing for
blonde girls, which is tough, living
in Nigeria

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Jill had a Crush on
Bob, then later had a Sprite,
Coke and a Pepsi

Monday, August 31, 2015

Monday haiku

Jill's been stress eating
cookies and ice cream, worried
about her weight gain

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Weekend haiku

The hippy was bummed
out when he found out what a
hashtag really is 

Bill's been stress eating
cakes and ice cream, which is strange
for a Buddhist monk

Friday, August 28, 2015

Friday haiku

If you want something
in your life that will not leave,
buy a conifer

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Thursday haiku

In the Fall, it's hard
to sneak up on anybody
under an oak tree

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Joe yawns, rubs his eyes,
thinking about going to
bed.  Too bad it's noon.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Tuesday haiku

The t-shirt would look
more manly on Bill if it
didn't have ponies

Monday, August 24, 2015

Monday haiku

Jared Fogle, the
Subway spokesman, followed their
slogan, to "Eat Fresh"

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Weekend haiku

I wish my hair changed
colors, like leaves, but I guess
I'd freeze in Winter 

---------------------------------- 

A bowl cut is quite
unflattering when it's done
on your pubic hair

Friday, August 21, 2015

Friday haiku

The only key to
surviving each day is to
accessorize well

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Thursday haiku

Liz says I'm the best
part of her day, but that's not
a big compliment

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Wednesday haiku

If I was deaf, I'd
have an excuse why I don't
listen very well

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Tuesday haiku

The little dog in
the sweater wishes that he
got bones for Christmas

Monday, August 17, 2015

Monday haiku

The little dog in
the yellow sweater wishes
that it was dark blue

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Weekend haiku

Jill's exercise is
watching the constant motion
machine in her room 

------------------------------- 

Fall colors almost
make me forget that plenty
of gray is coming

Friday, August 14, 2015

Friday haiku

She skipped the sweets at
work, as she only had an
hour for the gym

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Thursday haiku

Babies are supposed
to smell nice, so why does her
child smell like cabbage?

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Sue eats candy and
chocolate to counteract
the fact she's sour

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Donald Trump's chances
of being president are
thinner than his hair

Monday, August 10, 2015

Monday haiku

I'm so exhausted,
I should be cylindrical
and covered in chrome

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Weekend haiku

David was behind
the spawn, "Hold on, I'm Comin'"
sang out Salmon Dave 

----------------------------------- 

So, statistically
speaking, eighty percent of
all stats are made up

Friday, August 7, 2015

Friday haiku

For double XL's,
finding clothes that fit well is
like a lottery

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Thursday haiku

You know you're failing
as a Republican when
Trump is beating you

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Sailors claim mermaids
exist, as they can't admit
they were loving seals

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Tuesday haiku

It's raining so hard,
I better step up efforts
to finish my ark

Monday, August 3, 2015

Monday haiku

She can only be
the proud mom of a three pound
hysterectomy

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Weekend haiku

Jill has a prayer
wheel at her desk; with her skills,
she's gonna need it 

------------------------------------ 

Though it's early yet,
the empty file marked "Next Year"
is a bad omen

Friday, July 31, 2015

Friday haiku

Divorced, David threw
himself into his work, which
wanted to leave too

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Thursday haiku

In our meeting, she
tried to blow smoke, but didn't
have the fire in her

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Jill thinks a happy
marriage is a premature
unhappy divorce

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Ironically, the
parking garage seems to be
constantly moving

Monday, July 27, 2015

Monday haiku

Since horseflies always
surround horses, let's follow
that big dragonfly

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Weekend haiku

The babbling brook
just needs to focus on one
topic when he speaks 

----------------------------- 

A dragonfly makes
me want to rethink what a
dragon must look like

Friday, July 24, 2015

Friday haiku

If three's a magic
number, why do magicians
have one assistant?

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Thursday haiku

If you give a man
a fish, they must have been out
of ties at the store

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Based upon my cat,
it is not just nature that
abhors a vacuum

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Tuesday haiku

His breath could strip the
chrome off bumpers, then dissolve
the steel underneath

Monday, July 20, 2015

Monday haiku

Either work under-
values my skills, or I have
overvalued them

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Weekend haiku

If you don't expect
much out of Tim, you might not
be disappointed 

--------------------------------- 

The one positive
to stop and go traffic is
I can write haiku

Friday, July 17, 2015

Friday haiku

In tonight's groggy
walk, the door stop, sticking out,
became a toe stop

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Thursday haiku

Ten years old, fifty
cents in my pocket, never
feeling so wealthy

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Working Thanksgiving
Day gives me a little less
to be thankful for

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Tuesday haiku

At Halloween, each
noise, shadow or tree is a
monster almost here

Monday, July 13, 2015

Monday haiku

"'Til death do us part,"
is first a promise, later,
a final option

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Weekend haiku

While the whiner says,
"Oh, woe is me," the wino
says, "Merlot is me" 

----------------------------- 

Jill has her husband
wrapped round her finger, tighter
than her wedding band

Friday, July 10, 2015

Friday haiku

Julia is as
useless as rearview mirrors
attached to a shark

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Thursday haiku

Tom smiles like a shark:
impressive, seductive, but
most likely lethal

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Bill's affection is
like a cookie, some get bites,
the rest of us, crumbs

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Tuesday haiku

It's sunny now, but
I've heard Tommy's in town, so
the clouds are nearby

Monday, July 6, 2015

Monday haiku

He calls you his friend
just to keep the option there,
in case he needs it

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Weekend haiku

Finding the loophole
in the nightclub's suit required
rule, Bill chose birthday 

----------------------------------- 

His smile's a fa├žade,
his voice luring you inside,
forgetting his teeth

Friday, July 3, 2015

Friday haiku

Defiantly, Jill
wore her new swimsuit, content
to be cloudbathing

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Thursday haiku

"I'm not the Devil,"
screamed Jill, stomping her hairy
hoof for emphasis

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Wednesday haiku

The trout, addicted
to worms, knew he should resist
them, but he was hooked

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Tuesday haiku

I hear atheists
are starting a non-prophet
organization

Monday, June 29, 2015

Monday haiku

"This place needs music,"
he said. I replied, smiling,
"Yep. Every place does."

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Weekend haiku

This year's Pride parade
will likely be a lot more
proud than usual 

---------------------------- 

Love strengthens. Love hurts.
Love equals. Love chooses. Love
shines bright. Love wins!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Friday haiku

Saying "I do" means
having to now say "Adieu"
to all the others

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Thursday haiku

A late afternoon
shadow shows Julia her
ideal body shape

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Wednesday haiku

In horror, Sally
realized, dating-wise, she's
Mrs. Robinson

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Stores stocked for Christmas,
just one hundred and fifteen
shopping days now left

Monday, June 22, 2015

Monday haiku

While driving his Ford
Focus, Bill was struggling
to pay attention

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Weekend haiku

Chiropractors may
not always succeed, but they'll
take a crack at it 

--------------------------------- 

Rocket pad next to
swamp means no neighbors, and free
frogs legs after launch

Friday, June 19, 2015

Friday haiku

Anyone who says,
"Nothing in life is easy,"
hasn't met Brenda

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Thursday haiku

A good director
and a mohel both prefer
to have final cut

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Wednesday haiku

For Heather's baby
poll, most chose sometime next week.
I picked Labor Day

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Her doctor prescribed
bed rest, but she found doing
nothing was hard work

Monday, June 15, 2015

Monday haiku

She glares at the world,
for all they've done to her, and
what they'll likely do

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Weekend haiku

I have now worked here
fifteen years, and in that same
time, I've aged thirty 

-------------------------------- 

The summers here in
Seattle seem to come in
intermittent bursts

Friday, June 12, 2015

Friday haiku

The longer I work
here, the younger everyone
else seems to become

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Thursday haiku

To announce it's a
boy, Emily brought cake. Would
a girl have been pie?

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Wednesday haiku

It's required that
all firefighters emails
must be through Hotmail

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Waiting on her hand
and foot, so she'll heal, and can
wait on my middle

Monday, June 8, 2015

Monday haiku

Seeing Mom and Dad,
I find I've been worrying
about the wrong one

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Weekend haiku

Visiting with her
grandparents, she began to
wish she lived closer 

---------------------------- 

Back in the Texas
heat, her Seattle visit
a cold memory

Friday, June 5, 2015

Friday haiku

She called me crazy
so often I'm starting to
wonder if it's true

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Thursday haiku

As she's visiting
from Texas, our hot summers
are her cold winters

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Wednesday haiku

We took Loni to
go and see Mt. Rainier, as
she's not Mohammed

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Tuesday haiku

I had called her a
professional street walker,
since hooker sounds mean

Monday, June 1, 2015

Monday haiku

She may be my niece,
but she feels closer, more like
my sister's daughter

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Weekend haiku

The surgery went
well, except for the fact she
now has a penis 

--------------------------- 

She says the worst pain
she's felt is bent fingernails.
She's young (and lucky)

Friday, May 29, 2015

Friday haiku

Nebraska repealed
the death penalty, Texas
will pick up the slack

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Thursday haiku

Books let you travel
without cramped flights, lost luggage,
and dysentery

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Wednesday haiku

I tried to watch "The
Great Escape", but found that I
couldn't get through it

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Tuesday haiku

I sat down to read,
opened the book, and like that,
was no longer here

Monday, May 25, 2015

Monday haiku

I owe my boss five
bucks. Shouldn't have bet him I
wouldn't get fired.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Weekend haiku

That bead of sweat that
rolls down the small of your back
will be stopping soon 

-------------------------------------- 

There's an Olympics
for masturbation, but theirs
stiff competition

Friday, May 22, 2015

Friday haiku

Eyes like sapphires,
lips like rubies, and a heart
like obsidian

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Thursday haiku

The sky is so blue
that all the world's sapphires
look up in envy

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Wednesday haiku

She has adopted
a grandma, as she really
missed oatmeal cookies

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Tuesday haiku

High school reunion,
five more classmates have perished. 
Her voodoo dolls work

Monday, May 18, 2015

Monday haiku

The Ouija board
gets her in trouble, though it's
the spirits cursing

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Weekend haiku

Jill's dog's named after
her ex, as he doesn't come
when she wants either 

-------------------------- 

The candle flickers,
though there's no wind in here. I
shout, "Is that you, Dad?"

Friday, May 15, 2015

Friday haiku

The yard is turning
yellow, not due to Summer,
it's the neighbor's dog

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Thursday haiku

Submitting poetry
is like an organ transplant:
rejection's painful

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Wednesday haiku

He wanted his yard
to be one consistent shade,
so he bought spray paint

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Tuesday haiku

There are spots in the
yard that are greener, where the
bodies are buried

Monday, May 11, 2015

Monday haiku

Never date someone
who's an expert on how to
cremate a body

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Weekend haiku

You, me, on a beach,
alone, clothing optional,
weather permitting 

------------------------- 

Bill entered the cave,
having been told to stick it
where the sun don't shine

Friday, May 8, 2015

Friday haiku

Osprey, riding the
thermals, cries out, I'm guessing,
in joyful triumph

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Thursday haiku

The bull stopped his run,
distracted by the fact he
had a real tight calf

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Tuesday haiku

As Bill waits for his
burger, he's hoping it will
meat his approval

Monday, May 4, 2015

Monday haiku

The architect and
builder of the Death Star was
bankrupt in a year

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Weekend haiku

Eating edible
flowers, disappointed that
they don't taste fruity 

----------------------------- 

Since he found topless
baristas, he's figured out
that he prefers cream

Friday, May 1, 2015

Friday haiku

In a matter of
moments, in the blink of an
eye, nothing happened

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Thursday haiku

She said I looked deep
in thought, but I was splashing
in the shallow end

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Wednesday haiku

For dermabrasion,
I put tuna fish on my
face and call the cat

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Tuesday haiku

When your life sucks, and
sometimes it will, make sure that
it also swallows

Monday, April 27, 2015

Monday haiku

If you keep looking
up, you're more likely to get
bird poop in your eye

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Weekend haiku

A beer may not solve
any of your problems, but
it sure doesn't hurt 

--------------------------- 

Even when Sara
truly cares, it comes across
like she's faking it

Friday, April 24, 2015

Friday haiku

Even the worst weeks
can be made better by a
nice day on the lake

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Thursday haiku

Empty buildings, where
businesses used to be, the
economy's better?

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Steve McQueen, riding
his bike over that wire, is
Tracey's great escape

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Tuesday haiku

I asked God to grant
me serenity now, He
sent me the Blu-Ray

Monday, April 20, 2015

Monday haiku

Nathan decided
he liked his blue jackets, but
preferred his brown coats

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Weekend haiku

Jill is so old, her
graduation invites came
by Pony Express 

--------------------------- 

Amelia Earhart,
though supposedly a nice
person, was flighty

Friday, April 17, 2015

Friday Haiku

Seven hundred bucks
later, his car was purring,
his wallet was not

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Thursday haiku

She said, "I love you,"
but he didn't respond, since
he is a turtle

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Hard to trust a man
in a polyester suit,
false teeth and toupee

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Tuesday haiku

He'd swapped his Cubans
for a pipe, and found it was
close but no cigar

Monday, April 13, 2015

Monday haiku

When asked how Bill had
amassed a fortune selling
screams, he said, "Volume!"

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Weekend haiku

You can't suffocate
yourself with pillows, unless
you're real determined 

----------------------------- 

Martha's the only
one who thinks B.Y.O.B
means bring your own bike

Friday, April 10, 2015

Friday haiku

You're right, you could fry
an egg on the sidewalk, but
you have a stove, Dude

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Thursday haiku

The noise children make
that freaks out parents the most
is complete silence

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Wednesday haiku

Waiting for the phone
to ring, knows it's bad news, but
needing to hear it

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Sheila prefers girls,
as she'd rather have lovers
without a handle

Monday, April 6, 2015

Monday haiku

Sheila prefers girls,
as it gives her twice the soft
lips to kiss goodnight

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Weekend haiku

Migraines getting worse,
but what is most unnerving
is the chewing sounds 

----------------------------- 

Sheila prefers girls,
as she's spent far too much time
dating all those dicks

Friday, April 3, 2015

Friday haiku

My attention span
may be getting worse, but I
think that cat is cute

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Thursday haiku

Strangely enough, their
group is far, far lesser than
the sum of it's parts

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Wednesday haiku

I have found potlucks
have far too little amounts
of pot and/or luck

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Tuesday haiku

Potluck is German
for "Multiple dish way to
get botulism"

Monday, March 30, 2015

Monday haiku

It's right behind me,
somewhere, back there, in the dark,
I think I can lo.....

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Weekend haiku

High humidity
leaves me needing a shower
after my shower 

-------------------------------- 

A smile on Jill's face
looks like a visitor to
a strange, foreign land

Friday, March 27, 2015

Friday haiku

Billy realized
he didn't hate her, he was
Jill intolerant

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Thursday haiku

Being pregnant, Jill
realized that she now has
two inner children

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Wednesday haiku

With this sunburn, it's
as close as I will get to
being a redneck

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Tuesday haiku

She is still alive
because she is truly more
stubborn than death is

Monday, March 23, 2015

Monday haiku

They pretend to have
a lunch meeting, not wanting
to share their table

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Weekend haiku

Bill found out refried
beans and mummy bags are a
bad combination 

------------------------- 

There's saffron in her
laughter, curry in her smile,
all because of lunch